


Too Much Time

by kaspsass



Series: Me projecting on bmc characters one shots!! [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: But also this fic is basically me projecting onto jeremy, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, I hate jeremys mom sm???, M/M, Still a vent fic btw so expect updates when i feel the worse about myself, This was supposed to be a oneshot!!, Trans Jeremy Heere, Use Of Deadname, Wow i put in comfort, guilt tripping, i don't make the rules, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-12-26 21:45:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12067572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaspsass/pseuds/kaspsass
Summary: Jeremy wants to have a good relationship with his mother.Kind of hard to when everything is apparently his fault to his mother.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is all based on a true thing that happened like an hour ago and no one would answer my calls so ummm i wrote this to help myself
> 
> Ps i still haven't stopped crying sooo thats nice enjoy me projecting onto Jeremy Heere

Jeremy never had a good relationship with his mother.  
  
It wasn't that he hated her. It wasn't that he didn't want to spend time with her. It was something else entirely.  
  
Ever since an early age, Jeremy has always felt, well, bad when he would be with his mother. Not all the time. There were times when his mother made him laugh and smile, and she was the most wonderful mother he could ever ask for. They've had some of these moments. Those are the moments that made Jeremy look back on and wonder why they couldn't be at that point.  
  
Then there was every other time.  
  
Every other time Jeremy always did something. He always did something wrong. He always was the one to blame. Jeremy would go to the park and some kid would push him, causing him to get his knee scraped? It was probably Jeremy's fault for falling. Jeremy didn't know how to ride a bike because everytime he went on it without training wheels he would fall and start crying? He should just man up. Those were only when he was a child.  
  
Jeremy always spent time with his best friend. It was just what best friends did, they hung out. Though, a few months after the fall of their junior year, where once again, he had messed up, Jeremy and Michael became something more.  
  
"Finally, done!" Michael said over the phone, an exhausted sigh escaping him. Jeremy giggled a bit over the phone. It was only ten o'clock, and Michael didn't get much sleep the night before. The two also had been cramming for a few tests for the following week.  
  
"Get some sleep, I have to call my mom." Jeremy smiled over the phone. Another thing Jeremy did after the squip had left, he had been trying desperately to rebuild his relationship with his mother. He longed for his mom, he missed her. She was so quick to move on from them, Jeremy had to wonder if he would ever move on himself. So they called each other every weeknight. Though he had been slacking lately, admittedly. He had play rehearsals two of five days a week, never ending piles of homework, and a boyfriend. Of course he didn't always have time to call her.  
  
"Okay. I love you." Michael said tiredly. "I'll see you tomorrow?" He asked.  
  
"Of course you will. I love you too, now goodnight Mikey." Jeremy grinned, packing up his school things.  
  
"Night Miah." Michael said before the call ended. Jeremy sighed in contentment, checking over his phone. He saw the time, and he had about another hour until he needed to sleep, enough time to call his mom. He hadn't talked to her in a few days, and he hoped everything was alright with her.  
  
Jeremy dialed the numbered, pressing his phone back to his ear. She answered seemingly quickly. "Hey mom! Sorry I haven't had time to call. I was helping Michael study. Man I'm so exhausted." He said, the last part mostly being a joke.   
  
"You were spending time with Michael, again, instead of the woman who gave you life." Jeremy's mother said, pursing her lips together. He could feel his heart starting to break a bit, but held back any negative emotions.  
  
"Well- I-I had too. Mom, he has a D in science, the only class I can help him with. Plus I-I got play rehearsal and homework and-" Jeremy said, being cut off abruptly by her sigh.  
  
"Excuses. You have play rehearsal one day, homework the next, you're tired all the time and you never bitch about talking to Michael." His mother tsked.   
  
"I'm a high school student, of course I never get sleep." He joked.  
  
"Well, then go to sleep at a reasonable time. You know what? Why do you insist on talking to Michael all day and night bur never me? Why am I always last place in your life?" His mother asked. She didn't say it, but he knew she was thinking  _why would you do this to me?_  
  
Jeremy was at a loss for words. He didn't know how everything happened. It all crumbled so quickly. Everything was falling apart around him. He could only sit frozen, not being able to speak, not even an answer could show through his head.  
  
"Doesn't that make you sound so shitty?" His mother asked. He continued to stay silent. He knew what to do, he needed to do everything she wanted him to do, even though it felt like that was his whole life. Pleasing her and making her happy. "Answer me. Doesn't it make you sound shitty?"  
  
"Yes. It does." Jeremy answered quietly.  
  
"You're always pushing me away. I can't even have a good relationship with you because you're always talking to Michael, there'a no getting rid of him. And you're always busy or tired when all I want in 5 hours of your time every week. Do you know how many hours there are in a week?" She asked.  
  
"W-Well no-" Jeremy sniffled, holding back an avalanche of tears. He heard brief typing before her voice again.  
  
"168 hours. And I want five of those hours, I can't even have that. Am I not the most important person in your life? I made you!" She scolded.  
  
Jeremy took a deep breath. "I-I'm sorry, I don't want to make you feel that way and it's awful of me that I do. I'm sorry." He apologized.  
  
"You're only sorry because it'a convenient for you. You're only saying sorry because I'm telling you fuck you, and you know what? Fuck Michael too. Fuck both of you." His mother hissed.  
  
"No, I am! I'm sorry, I'm so sor-"  
  
"You aren't! Just hang up on me and find a way to fix this. Unless you're unable to do a simple task like that." His mother said. Jeremy hung up quickly, tossing his phone beside him and curling up into a ball.  
  
Sadness, all the sadness, guilt, and overall the awful feeling washed over him as he let put his first tear. He cried for a solid five minutes before calling Michael. He needed someone. He needed to be told it was okay. He needed to cry to someone. He needed to not be alone. He felt so, so alone. Not even the squip managed to take advantage if his vulnerable state, and at this point, he would cry to the squip if there was no other choice.  
  
Every voice was silent but his own. The room was quiet and he could only hear his quick gasps and the dial tone as he called Michael.  
  
But Michael didn't pick up.  
  
So, he called again.  
  
No answer.   
  
Jeremy called over and over again. He called for an hour straight, hoping and praying to not be alone. He couldn't be alone. He didn't want to be alone.  
  
But he was.  
  
All he did that night was cry until he fell asleep.


	2. After the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Staying quiet never works for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aka what i wish i got

Jeremy never stayed quiet for long. He just wasn’t a quiet kid. Whether it was making snarky comments in the back of the classroom that got him in trouble with teachers or making jokes in every conversation with friends, he was always talkative. He always liked talking, laughing, and every car ride with Michael, he would sing along to any song he knew the words to. Jeremy has never been quiet for long. He once tried taking a vow of silence, which lasted thirty seconds and was broken by laughter when the two boys were in fifth grade. Jeremy has always been loud and talkative. It’s a fact, like the sky is blue.

 

So when Jeremy got into Michael’s car, he immediately noticed something was off about his boyfriend. Jeremy wasn’t talking.

 

Well, he was talking. He said hello when he had gotten in the car, but when Michael turned on the music, nothing. Not even a hum, or a tap of the foot. Jeremy just stared out of the window. Michael had only seen Jeremy this depressed once, after his mom had left without any warning or even a goodbye. Once he had pulled into school and parked, Jeremy went to get out. Michael frowned and gently took Jeremy’s hand in his. “Is something wrong? You’ve been quiet all morning.” Michael said softly. Jeremy looked like he was contemplating to say something, but he shook his head instead.

 

“I’m sick.” Jeremy lied. Michael knew Jeremy was lying. He could tell. Jeremy being sick was still talkative.

 

“You aren’t sick. You can tell me anything.” Michael continued. Jeremy’s lips trembled before sliding his hand away and sighing, getting out of the car, closing the door behind him. Now Michael knew something was definitely wrong. Jeremy was pushing him away. Michael saw that his lip was trembling, a sign of tears coming on. But it had disappeared, as if he was forcing his feelings back. Another thing that never happened, Jeremy usually let Michael see his feelings. And taking his hand away? That one hurt. Jeremy lived physical affection. He forces each and every one of their friends hello and goodbye hugs, and constantly has his hands in Michael’s. Michael must have done something wrong for this to happen. He pushed the thought away before getting out of his car and locking it.

 

\---

 

Jeremy wished he was dead.

 

After his conversation with his mom, he didn’t care about it. Had her words hurt him? Yes. It was the act of feeling so alone, so vulnerable that had broken his spirit. He wished Michael had answered. At one point in the night he woke back up and called the rest of his friends. He wished Christine answered. Or Brooke. Rich? Jake maybe. Jenna also. God, at one point in the night he even called Chloe. He received no answer from all of them. Jeremy had never felt so alone. He never felt so broken. Not even his squip spoke to him now, and he hated to say it but he even wished the squip was 

there. It wasn’t and Jeremy was hopeless. 

 

He didn’t focus on his classes. He didn’t show up to lunch. He didn’t even go to play rehearsal, a place that Jeremy begun to love, especially in times of sadness. He decided to walk home, ultimately because he didn’t want to talk to his friends. He didn’t want to even call them his friends at the moment. He felt as if he was back to the first day of kindergarten, not having friends, wanting to be at home sleeping. If Jeremy had his way he would sleep all day if he could. He knew deep down it probably wasn’t possible. He wished he could sleep away all his problems and go back to being the person everyone knew him as, the regular, happy Jeremy who loved school, his friends, and his boyfriend. Jeremy still loved those things, but he wasn’t sure if they loved him too.

 

His mother didn’t love him. Or maybe she did, in a cruel, sick way maybe she loved him. Maybe she loved that she had a son. Maybe she loved him as an object. But she didn’t love him, not truly. She hates his acne, telling him he needs to take care of his face better and drink water. She hates his clothes, she always said they were so dorky and a waste of money. She hates his snark and sarcasm, telling him it isn’t polite to use snark and sarcasm. She hates his best friend. What kind of mother hates their child’s best friend? Jeremy’s mom hates him enough to not even say goodbye when she hangs up on the phone, she hated him enough to leave without a single word. Jeremy used to wonder if it was his fault. Maybe if he hadn’t broken that vase, maybe if he did everything she said all the time and knew exactly what she meant. If only he knew when she really wanted to be left alone or when she wanted him to stay. Jeremy wondered if he could have stopped his parents from fighting. They had fought over many things that involved Jeremy. 

 

His mother didn’t love him. And after all, if your mother can't love you, who can?

 

\---

 

“Do you all have missed calls from Jeremy?” Jenna asked after school. The entire gang was there, minus Jeremy, and everyone looked at her confused before pulling their phones out to check.

 

“My phone didn’t charge last night so I left it this morning.” Michael commented. Though, everyone had missed calls from Jeremy, ranging from four in the morning to six in the morning.

 

“Well this is just unheard of.” Rich began. “Jeremy always sleeps in. At least until 7:20.” he commented. “I thought he just buttdialed me.”

 

“Fuck.” Michael breathed, the attention turning to him. “I have to go.” he said, turning away. Before he could hear anyone else talk to him, he was off to his car. There was no sign of Jeremy, he figured he would need to search the entire state of New Jersey. But he knew he would do it anyways. Michael begun to drive as there was a few rain drops falling onto his car. Michael huffed, beginning to drive away from the school.

 

\---

 

It only took Michael ten minutes to find Jeremy. Michael loved him, but the boy was just predictable. Michael saw Jeremy curled up into himself as the rain poured onto him. Being in the middle of the park in this weather was a bad choice, and with Jeremy’s immune system, or rather the lack of, he would get sick if Michael didn’t get to him now.

 

Michael got out of his car after parking, not bothering to lock it, having the keys anyways, but he knew his car could still get stolen he didn’t care. “Jeremy!” Michael shouted as he ran towards him. Jeremy looked up momentarily to see Michael, before burying his head back into his knees.

 

“Leave me alone.” Jeremy mumbled. Michael shook his head, then realised Jeremy couldn’t see him with his head turned away.

 

“No.” Michael refused out loud, “Not until you tell me what happened.”

 

Jeremy uncurled from himself, he was shaking. Tears and rain mixed together, his face was red and blotchy, and he kept his gaze down. “So what now because you can see me crying you care?” Jeremy asked. Michael frowned at this, but Jeremy continued before Michael could say anything. “No one answered me! I was so alone, none of you cared, and I called you for an hour straight and I got nothing.” 

 

“I’m sorry.” Michael said immediately. “My phone died last night after our call. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to be there for you.” 

 

“Well- I-” Jeremy stuttered before crumbling back into tears. He buried himself into Michael for comfort, and Michael was quick to hold him tightly. “You can’t love me.” Jeremy mumbled after the sobs had subsided. 

 

“Jerebear, that’s ridiculous. I do love you. I’ve loved you for years Jeremy.” Michael assured him. 

 

Jeremy just shook his head. “If she hates me and doesn’t love me, then no one can.” He countered. The brunet boy looked up at Michael, pulling away from him and looking away. “I’m unlovable.” He said, using his rain soaked cardigan sleeve to wipe his face.

 

Michael sighed a bit, wanting to tear up himself. Jeremy was his everything. “Well that’s impossible because I love you. I love how you play with your sleeves when you get nervous, I love when your face goes red after a simple compliment, I love your smile, and your laugh? Jeremy, your laugh is better than any song I have ever heard. I love your freckles, I love how whenever we play video games and you get so concentrated and try so hard to win the game, your tongue starts sticking out and you get hunched over. I love your rambling and all the puns you make constantly. I never get tired of you, I love you, Jeremy.” he finished. There was a soft sniffle that was barely audible in the sound of pouring rain.

 

“You really mean all of that?” he asked quietly.

 

“Of course I do. I would never lie to you, especially about something as strong as love.” Michael assured him. Jeremy hugged Michael tightly, not letting go for a few seconds. If anything, his grip was tightening. “Do you want to talk about what happened last night?” Michael asked finally.

 

“Not here.” Jeremy answered. They both turned to look at the park. The sky was gray, a color of dull graphite pencil. The playground for kids was soaked in downpour of rain. Michael nodded in agreement. Jeremy would most certainly have a cold by the next few days. Michael looked back at Jeremy. He looked tragically beautiful this way, the rain making his fluffy hair flop and soaked, his cheeks red and his face puffed up.

 

“Hot Chocolate Surprise in my basement?” Michael offered. Jeremy looked back at him and nodded.

  
“That would be great.” Jeremy agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fine now, and maybe i'll like turn this into an actual story but like idek so if you want this to continue just tell me and i'll probably do it bc i love appealing to the masses  
> Drop a comment, leave a kudo, do both do neither


	3. Hot Chocolate Discussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long talk comes with a sickly sweet hot chocolate

A hot chocolate surprise was mainly just a tradition Michael made up for whenever Jeremy was sad or when it was too cold outside to play as children. It was a sugary, diabetic monster that was served in their cups designated for the occasion. As a gift, Jeremy got Michael a player one mug, and Jeremy got himself a player two mug. This gift was given years ago, probably in their preteen years. The text was almost fading away, but Jeremy learned that handwashing preserved the paint, and that information was passed onto Michael.

 

The sugary concoction contained of the classic hot chocolate mix that was mixed with milk rather than water, three drops of vanilla, a bit of whatever coffee creamer was in Michael’s fridge which served as the surprise, marshmallows under a layer of whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles, and to top it off, a strawberry. They discovered through trial and error to make the elaborate toppings in the basement, keeping the majority of the supplies in the mini fridge. Jeremy could barely handle the sweet drink, it always ended up giving him a stomach ache if he drank to quickly or too much at one time. He learned taking small sips helped. Michael was able to drink as much as he wanted, but nether drank the special hot chocolate alone or with others. It was their thing, something that they wanted to keep for themselves.

 

Jeremy tapped on the side of his mug, a tick he had for a majority of his life. He had lost most of his mannerisms, Jeremy feared being shocked if he slouched for too long or if he said something snappy, even if he tapped his fingers against something. He only did those things when something was truly upsetting him. He wondered if Michael had caught onto that. He probably did.

 

Michael sat next to him, taking a gulp of the hot chocolate as Jeremy stared at the mountain of a drink he should be enjoying. He took a sip reluctantly, he was freezing anyways. It should make him feel a bit more warm. Then again, so did just sitting near Michael. Yet the anxious teenager felt as cold as he had outside.

 

“Do you want to talk now?” Michael asked gently. Jeremy knew he didn’t have to talk about it. He knew that he would have to explain everything to Michael, and usually he asked to talk about anything else, but he needed to tell someone. He needed to share the only secret he had ever kept from Michael. The whole story of his mother.

 

He took a shaky breath, preparing himself to speak as he set his mug down, Michael following the action. The two faced each other. There was a look of concern, this was all new. “My mom and I have always had problems.” Jeremy began, “Even before you, she didn’t always treat me like a mom treats her son. It’s always felt like she loved the idea of me. She used to make me do sports. She used to make me dress a certain way. She would never let me grow my hair out if I ever wanted to, and everything was my fault in her eyes. I- I was always told no one can love you like your mother, well she doesn’t even  _ like  _ me.” Jeremy laughed weakly. “I talked to her last night, after you went to sleep. She was so mad because I haven’t spoken to her in a few days and made a joke about being tired. She yelled at me and told me I was spending too much time with you and with our friends. She doesn’t even know i’m bi, I know she’ll hate me for sure when she figures it out.” he mumbled the last part.

 

Michael’s face solidified into an expression of protection. “Has she ever hit you?” he asked, his voice somehow remaining gentle.

 

Jeremy tensed up. “Does it matter? She lives across the country.” he laughed nervously, taking a few sips of his drink. Michael gave him a pointed look as if to say  _ yes, of course it matters.  _ “She’s shoved me into tables and slapped me a few times.” he answered quietly.

 

“She did  _ what? _ ” Michael’s eyebrows shot up in shock

 

“No, it’s fine, trust me, she can’t do it again! She has her moments, the moments of her being a great mom.” Jeremy defended.

 

“She left you without any warning and has abused you your whole life. That doesn’t sound like a great mom.” Michael pointed out. 

 

Jeremy rolled his eyes at this. Of course she was a good mom! She gave him hugs as a child when she wasn’t screaming at him. She always said she loved him, even if she would obviously not mean it. If anyone was the terrible one, it was Jeremy. He was all of her life problems. He often got into arguments with her, he made her cry, and was the cause of his mother’s depression as well. He was the abusive one. He’s been told that so many times. He knows the truth, Michael didn’t. “She didn’t abuse me, we just fight a lot. I was only hit because provoked her. If anything, I’m the problem.” Jeremy shrugged, averting his eyes from Michael to take another sip of the hot chocolate.

 

Michael shook his head. “Has she ever made you cry?”

 

Jeremy nodded, “But I’ve made her cry more. Probably. Maybe.” 

 

“Hold on, can you count on your hands how many times a conversation with her has ended in tears?” Michael asked. Jeremy thought about it. He couldn’t even keep track of how many times that was. Jeremy averted his eyes, holding his mug to hide most of his face. “If it’s that many times Jeremy, it’s not worth continuing a relationship with your mom. Sometimes you need to cut people out from your life.” Michael frowned.

 

“Are you kidding? I can’t, I have to fix this. I have to make her like me. She has to, I- I don’t think I can handle her not liking me anymore. I’ve dealt with it all my life.” Jeremy shook his head. An idea popped into his head. “Maybe if she saw me doing the play she would be proud, maybe she would like me then!” Jeremy grinned.

 

“Jere, this is the opposite of cutting her from your life.” Michael rose his eyebrows. The idea was impractical, but Jeremy was set on getting the approval his his mother. 

 

“She could die one day. I want to be there for her on good terms. I have to do this.” He reasoned. Jeremy took another sip from his drink, before setting it down, knowing that should be his last drink and he would have a stomach ache if he didn’t stop this far ahead.

 

“Jeremy, just because someone will one day die doesn’t mean they deserve you.” Michael explained. “She ignored you for a year before reaching out to you again. You were angry even then.”

 

“She has a lot of moments that I can’t let go.” Jeremy admitted. “Listen, she may have done a lot to me, but she’s also done a lot for me. Plus, she’s my mom. I have to try.”

 

Michael sighed a bit. He stayed silent until speaking up again. “Okay. I’ll support you through all of it, but if the time comes and she turns on you, I’ll be here with all the junk food, cuddling, and video games.” he smiled slightly.

 

“Thank you.” Jeremy smiled back. “Can we do the video games please?” he asked.

  
Michael set his mug down, his slight smiling turning into a full grin. “Hell yes we can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did this get so popular when i only write for this when i feel like i'm on the verge of tears??? Lmao anyways  
> I had this sitting in my google drive as "whatata" and forgot about it sorry everyone  
> Leave a comment kudos whatever i'll try to update more but no promises


	4. Remembering the Worst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy is about to call his mom and remembers a thing or two that he thought he could have forgotten about

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this has the use of Jeremy's dead name and like highkey tranphobia and homophobia from his mom and i'm just warning you now

Calling his mom was easy. All Jeremy had to do as click a button, and he figured out what he wanted to do with his mom, spend time with her in person. Calling should be easy, but it was so hard to as his thumb hovered over the call button. He stared at the contact picture, it was old. His mom was short and skinny, she looked like she was going to break. Jeremy towered over her at his height, but barely recognized himself in the picture. Jeremy’s hair was long, reaching a few inches past his shoulders and what used to be his bangs a few inches shorter. He hated looking at himself in that picture, it made him look so feminine. Jeremy shook his head, shutting his eyes. He was exhausted, he hadn’t gotten a full night of sleep and just wanted everything to stop feeling so heavy. He laid back on his bed, sighing softly. His bed was a cloud and he was just happy to sleep in it. Slowly, he felt himself drift away from consciousness.

 

\---

 

 _Beverly chewed on her- no, his bottom lip as she,_ he _put his hair up. Beverly never was like other girls, and to his dismay, she,_ HE _was never a girl in the first place. He couldn’t figure out new name, and he had always liked being called nicknames that went along with the name, but it always felt so wrong to be called by Beverly. He tied the long, silky brown hair back into a bun, taking his bangs and making them a bit messier, but still there. Recently, she, no, again it was he. He he he. He found out there was a word for what he felt, a word for something he could never describe. Transgender. A person born in the wrong body. That statement was the truth, he never acted “ladylike” nor did he want to. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, finally putting the last clip in. Beverly smiled, for the first time he looked how he wanted, but he could still see how much hair he had. Pausing for a moment, he searched around the room, eventually picking up a blue beanie. It was usually reserved for winter, but the thirteen year old, newly found boy couldn't wait to see what he looked like with his hair somewhat short. He looked great._

 _Beverly walked out of his room, out to the hallway. “Mom! I’m going to Michael’s!” she-_ he _called out._

_“Okay Bevvy, love you honey!” His mother Brenda called out. Beverly smiled. It’s been awhile since she'd said those words to Beverly._

_“Love you too!” he called out._

 

_\---_

 

_Going to Michael’s was easy, so was knocking on the door and going inside, but telling Michael his big secret and why he was wearing some big hat would be another thing to tell him. “Can I talk to you?” Beverly asked after dying the tenth time on their video game. “It’s really important.” he added._

_Michael nodded, pausing their game. “Sure thing, Bev. What’s up?” he asked. Michael looked over to Beverly, and his stomach flipped. Beverly noticed it happened a lot more often than it should, but this time concerned it with the news he needed to share with his best friend._

_“Um- r-remember when we were uh- when we were looking at a bunch of stuff on the internet last week?” he asked. Michael nodded to confirm it. Beverly played with the sleeves of his shirt. “Well uh- r-remember transgender? I-I think I’m transgender. I- you know, I’ve always said I’m not a girl. I-I’m pretty sure I- I’m a guy.” he spat out. Michael just nodded._

_“Do you have a new name you want to go by dude? I can get one of my mom’s to give you a haircut.” Michael offered. Beverly smiled._

_“R-really? Mikey I would love that. Names first.” Beverly said._

_“What about Robert?” Michael asked. Beverly made a slight face of disgust._

_“No.” Beverly shook his head. “I want it to end with a ‘y’, those names are always best,_ Mikey _.” Beverly grinned, elbowing his best friend. Michael thought for a moment._

_“Toby.” he suggested._

_“No, too short.” Beverly shook his head._

_“Bellamy.”_

_“No, too obscure.” Beverly rolled his eyes._

_“It’s not that bad.” Michael shrugged._

_“Yes it is.” Beverly shot back._

_“Okay, what about Jeremy?” Michael asked. Beverly perked up._

_“That’s it! And my full name could be Jeremiah, it’s perfect!” Beverly-_ Jeremy _, exclaimed, a grin present on his face. Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. The name just fit. Jeremy Heere. He loved it, it was the perfect name._

_“Well, Jeremiah, let’s go get you a haircut and play some celebratory video games afterwards.” Michael grinned. Jeremy smiled back, nodding._

_“Sounds perfect.” Jeremy grinned back. Unexpectedly, Jeremy threw his arms around Michael’s neck, hugging his best friend tightly. The bean bag chairs they sat on leaned closer, and it felt like the basement crowded with stuff was a place Jeremy Heere no longer had to be Beverly Heere. He was all brand new. “Thank you so much, Mikey.” Jeremy smiled._

_Michael melted into the hug. “Anything for you Jere.”_

 

_\---_

 

_Hopefully, telling his mother would go well. He knew it wasn’t likely, when he had come home with his hair cut so short, Brenda called him a dyke, telling him he made a mistake, but Jeremy made no mistake in this. His father told him he liked his haircut. Jeremy liked it too._

_A car ride, that’s all it really was. A drive down to a like at night to look at the stars in the peaceful summer night. The air was warm, he didn’t require a jacket. Jeremy has always liked the stars. And the moon, the night sky in general. How everything was so small, all his problems were small considering the vast space. Jeremy could only wonder if he looked like the night sky as Michael always told him. Always comparing Jeremy’s face to a certain constellation when Jeremy was sad. It always managed to cheer him up when he would trace out things on his face, the freckles on Jeremy splattered across him the same way the stars did with the stars. He laughed and joked with his mom, and it was the perfect moment. The best night he had with his mom, until he ruined it._

_“Mom?” Jeremy spoke up after a few moments of comfortable silence._

_“Yes Bevvy?” Brenda asked, turning towards Jeremy, who she, at the moment thought of as her daughter._

_“I-I think I- I’m not a girl, and I’m not a Beverly.” Jeremy said. “I’m a boy, and I’m a Jeremy. Or a Jeremiah, if we want to go full name.”_

_Brenda went quiet. “Let’s go home.” she said, standing back up. Jeremy looked back to her, worried. He fucked up and he knew otc the dark feeling of bitterness, regret, and sadness bubbled inside, stirring together like a cocktail of misery, though Jeremy had already drank the entirety of the concoction as the words he spoke spewed from his mouth._

_“Mom, I-”_

_“I said let’s go home, Beverly Ann.” she said, adding his middle name. Her voice was thick, cold as ice, not being melted by the hot air of the summer night. Jeremy turned to the sky, but found his answers were not always in the stars._

_Jeremy sat in the passenger seat, Brenda starting up the car. “Mom, I’m so-”_

_“Save it.” she commanded. Jeremy looked down to his lap, swallowing thickly. Everything was ruined and it was his fault. “I thought I raised you better than this, Beverly. Now you're getting brainwashed by tumblr and Michael. I knew the second I met his mothers I should have stopped that friendship while I still could.” Brenda hissed.  Jeremy felt the burn of his eyes, his nose beginning to sing as well. He blinked quickly, taking a few deep breaths. “That's it, no more Michael, no more internet.” his might said firmly. Anger bubbled up in his stomach. As if he would follow the no Michael rule._

_“Fine, do it, just try to the everything away from me, I’ll still be a boy.” Jeremy wondered, crossing his arms and looking away from his mom. Jeremy felt the tears fall from his eyes, but quickly wolfed them away.  She wasn't with his tears._

 

\---

  
Jeremy woke up back in his room an hour later,  tears streaking his eyes. Jeremy wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands, clearing his throat and sniffling. Jeremy sighed a bit, dialing his mom’s number. They had come a long way, she called him Jeremy and called him her son. Jeremy waited for her to answer, then getting her voice in the line. “Mom, let's go to the mall together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happened to me and i cried for d a ys but like jere it happened a long time ago

**Author's Note:**

> I barely spell checked this but whatever leave a comment or kudos or whatever idc i'll try to reply or something


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